Alone time: It’s been a bit nothing ... but I’ve contemplated everything

With all this time on my hands with kids away for 10 days, you would think I would be lazing around and enjoying it.

It is, after all, what everyone told me to do.

Enjoy it.

The thing is - I don’t know if I do...

I’m blaming a holiday hangover.

We had the most amazing holiday. Getting through the airport - where Pete had last seen the kids when he farewelled them on the last holiday we had planned as a family - was awful.

The kids fell apart.

Mum and Dad fell apart.

I tried to hold the show together.

I got on the plane and I don’t think I was ok.

But we got on the plane.

And we arrived and we did all of the touristy things in Darwin.

There were some wonderful moments. Fun times. Serendipitous occasions. So many times I fought the feeling of ‘God, he would love this...’ and tried to stay in the moment of enjoyment.

It forced me to enjoy it.

I did enjoy it.

We flew home and arrived at the arrival/departure gate the kids said goodbye to Pete at, and the gate they arrived at less than 24hrs later when Mum and Dad were racing them home after he died (which was less than 3 hours after they had hugged and kissed him in that spot).

Some of the kids and mum and dad fell apart again...

One child looked around and brightly said: oh hey, this is where we hugged Daddy goodbye....

Kids: successfully finding the silver lining of things since forever.

I farewelled the kids so they could have 10 days of farm work including our annual family experience of pregnancy scanning while I came home to keep working ... because as it turns out, my first year of taking a berzillion days of leave without pay, and last year working most of it at 1/2 pay and 1/2 hours around COVID remote schooling to get through, came at a cost.

A cost I cannot afford to bear any longer (my thanks to the financial planner for the brutal reminder...)

So with no annual leave in the offing I came home to work. And to an empty house.

It was a novelty. This empty quiet house.

But it’s not so much of a novelty any more.

I enjoy it... sort of

It’s been nice as a change ... for a while

But I haven’t not tucked someone into bed consistently for 10 days for the best part of 16 years ... or gotten into bed with no one in the house for such a long period for over 20 years.

The thing is - I like doing all those things.

I don’t dislike my kids.

I enjoy them.

I mean - they send me bonkers some days, don’t get me wrong - but I had them because I wanted them. We wanted them. I don’t (often) wish them away.

And it’s been so long since I have had such an extended period of time where I haven’t consulted with someone else about things like what to eat (not just Pete - before then, there were flat mates...) that it’s taken some time to ease into it.

And now I have.

And I have seen how much of an amazing time the kids are having.

And I have had some deep conversations.

And I have discussed the big issues impacting me - like it a four point lamb rack too much for one person?

*FYI this is not, but it is too much vegetables. Still over-catering, even for one!

And all of it has meant I have fallen right off the edge at some points.

Because I have had the grand total of 48hrs on my own since Pete died.

2 days.

I contemplated that the other day.

I have spent so much time in the time since Pete died, doing what had to be done - like functioning every single day and bearing the load of it all - that I haven’t actually spent this much time contemplating my world without him, while also not having the kids ... ever.

Like, actually, ever.

And even then, the 2 days on my own only made me realise how much I like the noise of the life we created, rather than really allowing me to do much more than think - wow, this is odd.

I worked out then (and before then) I don’t enjoy me that much - I struggle to spend a lot of time with me inside my own head.

Also Pete and I created a life we both loved ... one with kids and noise and people and laughs and love and arguments and mess and food and wine and all of the things.

And I have actually enjoyed this time contemplating that... but I don’t necessarily enjoy the fact that a lot of those key things we loved, are not here: The kids, the noise... Pete

I know why people say ‘oh enjoy it, I’d love that ...’ or ‘let me know if you want some kids, I’ll loan you mine...’

I laughed.

But I also probably winced at how much people probably underestimated how much I probably need this.

How much I could absolutely fill it with noise and visitors and things and other people and other people’s kids...

But how much I need to sit.

Sit in the quiet.

Sleep in uninterrupted.

Sit in the uncomfortableness and the dislike of it.

Eat, drink, sleep, watch whatever and whenever I want.

Sit in my own brain while it over contemplates, over analyses, over thinks, over everythings...

I have cried about it.

Laughed like a crazy lady on my own.

Yelled at the cats for waking me up early in the morning.

Sat sadly.

Declined offers of company.

Accepted I dislike it and yet am still doing it.

It’s really has been all of the things ...

And I don’t really know how to explain it. It’s been a lot of very complex and intertwined emotions.

I have spent time wondering how I have done what I have done in the last 2 years and almost 3 months.

I genuinely don’t know.

I’ve been through 4 psychologists since Pete died.

All of them have basically thrown their hands in the air at my trying to function by working, raise 4 kids, apparently keep impossible standards like try and have a vaguely healthy meal for the kids each night, keep them in sports they love, send them off in clean clothes daily ... all without help.

I actually had one say: what you are trying to do is actually impossible...

I wasn’t the pep talk I was looking for ... because I have to... even if it’s impossible... because I HAVE to...

And so this last week has been helpful to take stock a bit.

It has been ...

Quiet.

Sad.

Weird.

Lonely.

Lovely.

But helpful to realise that, while this morning I burst into tears trying to manage a juggle of completely superficial things and being overly frustrated by people not just doing their job, I am still doing it.

And after looking like this and sitting on the bed sobbing for 10 minutes, I got up, wiped my eyes, put a face on and went to work.

And I’m not a nut case.

Or an alcoholic.

I am unfitter than I should be.

Less organised that I should be.

But still doing it like apparently I shouldn’t be able to.

So I’m ok with that.

I’m also ok to get my kids back.

I have been ok on my own.

Not amazing but ok.

I have definitely been ok with the ease of just getting myself up, dressed, fed and to work of a morning.

But the evenings are lonely.

And I think the animals are sick of me talking to them.