Does buying ridiculous things help?… still no

The Fuckening has taken me right back to what I feel is square one of having zero idea of how to handle the situation I'm in.

Actually, maybe not square one ... maybe square 10 or 20 ...

But back to where I began to use 'buying things' as a way to make myself feel better.

In the last few weeks it seems to have taken on an avian influence...

Enter: Robert the Rooster

Many years ago the local lighting store in town had a varied array of stained glass table lamps.

I coveted the rooster one quite simply because I thought it was cool AF.

The price tag, and our situation of small kids and fluctuating work on my part, meant I would just wander past and comment on it. Every. Single. Time.

And then it was sold and gone. And then the last 5 years of my life happened.

Except a few weeks ago I found myself in that lighting shop. A shop I had never set foot in before.

And I enquired as to the cool rooster stained glass lamps that used to be available.

The lovely lady responded with: Weren't they the best? We sold so many of all sorts of different ones. We can still get them, you know, I can order you one...?

Which is how, 3 days later, I became the owner of a stained glass rooster table lamp the kids have named Robert.

Like my red suede boots, umpteen bottles of expensive red wine, fortnightly massages for the last 3.5 years, and countless psychologist appointments, I reasoned very quickly this lamp was for my sanity.

Did I need it?

No.

Did I want it?

Yes.

Is it a frivolous waste of money?

Possibly.

Did me buying it and turning it on make me feel better after a fuckfight of a few weeks?

Yes it did.

And, it helpfully in the daytime he matches my lounge room decor.

But my 'this is ridiculous but I feel like it might make me feel better so I need it' purchases didn't stop there.

I also have an Existential Crisis Duck.

It is a legitimate item - a squishy, tap lamp duck that lies cast, having an existential crisis.

When it was posted into an online widow group I am part of by someone who laughingly suggested it needed to be our mascot, sales soared.

It the became a ridiculous international courier watching exercise as a few of us bonded over the fact, according to the tracking system, our ducks all seemed to be meeting up at dispatch and then the airport - something we widows in varying states of America and Australia probably will never get to do!

Then the ducks went global, some got stuck in customs for days, some were delivered within days, others have taken weeks to turn up ... frustratingly mine sat in the local post office for 2 days at the end of the week.

Again, it was unnecessary, and I can completely understand that grown women excitedly tracking their $30 ducks from home around the world via a widow Facebook group might seem slightly irrational... but for all of us, it gave us a ridiculously laughable connection when the only reason any of us even know who the other one is, is because our spouses died.

Tracking flat duck lights around the globe is a way better topic to discuss than 'today was a hard day...' or 'it's been xx years, and I still can't seem to get on top of things...'

And I can look at the duck and think: well, as least I'm not at THAT point ... and laugh.

Because all of what I have to deal with is ridiculous and I learned a long time ago, laughing is better than crying.

At the end of the day though, like the red suede boots, or the wine, the improvement is only momentary and the real work is required by my own self to get myself back on track.

But did the avian lights improve things for a little while?

Yes.

Are they now talking points in my house that make me laugh and I enjoy sitting beside?

Yes.

Does that make them worthwhile purchases even though I probably actually didn't 'need' them?

Yes.