The flip side of thinking about all the things we have done in 2022, and noting that it's been 5 hard years, is the absolute deep seated fear 2023 will be hard.
Like, an actual pit of my gut, panic attack inducing fear.
I wrote the previous post on this site
and looked at all the photos of our year and my god we did a lot and achieved so much.
But holy smokes some of it was hard.
And I looked at some of the photos like no one else would have, knowing what it took to get to where we where to take the photos.
I also definitely omitted photos. Like, no one wants to admit the relationship they had that didn't work. It was what it was. And I don't regret it. But I'm not putting it in my 2022 reel either. #lifelessons
But then when I lay in bed the night after I wrote that, all I could think about was: please don't let next year be hard, I don't think I can do 6 years.
It turned into absolutely dread.
It turned into: I have done it, withstood all the challenges, fallen down and picked myself back up and forged on and done it for five years ... but I don't think I can do it for another year.
It was: I have been strong enough to do it, but I don't think I can keep doing it.
I have people who let me know how I'm trying to manage it all is unsustainable - it might come as a surprise to those people that I actually already know that.
But for a lot of it, I have no choice. I have had to.
And this is where the fear comes in.
I have had to. And I have done it.
But I look at what we have done and it has been so fucking hard emotionally and the toll it has taken on me for five years and think: I can't do that again...
I mean, I also know that if that is what the world lays out for 2023 that I WILL do it. Obviously.
But the fear I have is HOW I can do it.
I curled myself up into a ball sobbing about how scared I am about having to do it again. Sick to the stomach, body shaking fear.
Because every year for the last 5 I have started a new year with: ok new year, let's do this, I am ready to meet what you're tossing at me head on...
And I don't know why the fact it's 5 years and not 4 or 6 or any other number makes a difference... but it seems it is in my head.
It's a milestone year that is recognised. I know already that the January 2024 anniversary of Pete's death will be different. Like the one year milestone, it's like 'get to one year... oh you've done 5 years...'
Like in marriages - 5,10,20 years ... they are the milestone years.
And I have done 5 years of what we have had to do with determination and grit and stubbornness.
The fear comes from not knowing if I can continue to. The fear is knowing deep inside my own self how hard that has been, and genuinely not knowing if I can continue to find it within my self.
Because after 5 years, the resilience bucket from which I've been dipping into, is pretty empty now.
I've had it refilled with people and places and experiences, absolutely, but it never refills to the top because there has never been long enough in between the challenges for us to sit back and breathe and enjoy the full bucket.
But the villagers in my life have always, ALWAYS, kept trying to refill that bucket for me and with me.
Hving voiced these fears, I've had villagers still say: that's ok, we're here for you.
Like the ultimate support squad, every time in the last week where I have alluded to this fear, a villager has said: it's ok, we've got you.
And so every time I freak out about fears I have of not being good enough, or strong enough, or capable enough ... I have a villager who has been there through it all day: it's ok, you're not alone.
And once again, I look at my village and the amazing villagers and I have no idea how I got them, or why they are here, but I am grateful they are. Just so.fucking.grateful for them and their support.
And that even after 5 years, there is many, not one, of them being the ultimate selfless friends saying: here if you need. And meaning it.
So I don't know what 2023 brings.
But I know, that whatever it does, it's ok.
And I'll be ok.
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