So just for fun - I joined Tinder.
I lasted 20 minutes.
The whole idea of online dating or online meeting someone is so completely foreign to me.
But let's be honest, the person I loved is dead. And there's no coming back from that. He's gone. I'm here … Not dead.
And despite the local gossips suggesting otherwise (apparently I've been so busy I've had THREE affairs since Pete died!) it’s been a long time between drinks and I would actually like to be wholly loved again. It’s something I have missed the most.
I've balked at the idea for a while, even though I know people who have met truly wonderful people and fallen in love on the app.
So in the new age of dating, and the loneliness of Covid, I thought, why not check out online stuff?
So I did.
Online dating scares the crap out of me. It’s a whole other world of acronyms and apparently everyone puts their heights and weight on the profile (because that matters??)…
Also I don’t think I am ready to be judged on a few photos and sentence alone.
It feels likes a meat market. Or a cattle sale.
Where you peruse people, assess whether you like the look of them, read a bit about them and either click or move on ... I literally spent years of my working life watching this exact same thing play out at bull and ram sales ...
I looked at the images and thought: Hmm, I want to see more photos because what if that's just a super amazing photo from 10 years ago ... or what if that is just the one their mates snapped put up as a joke one night while they decided it was time their friend got back onto the dating scene?
I read the bios and thought: How can I judge someone on a sentence or two?
I string words together for a living and I can't work out for the life of me what I'd even write that would interest people, appeal to people, not scare people off (I mean seriously - widow, 4 kids, shit loads of emotional baggage ... what a sales pitch!!)
And my life has been so consumed with just operating in survival mode for so long, and prior to that, I was doing things with my husband we decided to do together I don’t even know what to write for 'interests' ... I’m not sure what I actually do in my days ‘working, houekeeping, spending long days at at kids' sports,trying to understand teenagers and complaining that I can't keep operating on adrenalin, wine and sugar alone’ is the kind of honest description people are actually looking for.
And the ‘tags’ are limiting - I mean sure I like wine, but it’s not necessarily an ‘interest’… I run around a hockey pitch in winter but does that mean I should click ‘sports’? I’m mildly cantankerous walking up hills and don’t camp but that doesn’t mean I don’t like ‘outdoors’ and if I don’t click that will algorithms just send me hermit people?
Also what do I write for 'what are you interested in in a person' because it depends on the person - I can pretty much talk to most people about anything, even if I'm not that interested in the actual thing, I love talking to people who know stuff I don't. Some of my best friends have totally different interests to me.
Seeing or meeting people in a pub or a race meeting or a ball was so much easier!
You could see them across a bar, think they're a bit of all right.
Get some Dutch courage and smile or go say hello, accidentally/deliberately be ordering a drink next to them at the bar next time they were there.
You could suss them out by seeing how they interacted with other people, you could have a conversation with them and realise they might be a little too far away from your centre for you to be interested, or just look pretty but have no substance that interests you, or be just as great as they seemed.
This could all be done pretty effectively over the course of a day, event, even a few meetings. You could make your mind up reasonably quickly using a few different senses. You could read the body language.
But online? You can make yourself out to be anyone and anything. And its WAY easier to hide parts of you that you don't want people to see, or mould yourself in a way that the other person wants without their knowledge.
I mean, I’m completely guilty of hiding the complete mundane stuff of my life from people. Putting on armour and looking like I have it all under control is special skill I have. I apparently completely overshare on this blog and social media, and even then I don’t give the entire picture of my life… and am reasonably vain and ensure I don’t look horrific / post bad angles.
And we've all heard the stories on the news about online dating gone wrong, or seriously disturbed people with literally murderous backgrounds being able to be online dating sites - I mean, how do you filter THEM out if they have a nice profile pics, an interesting bio, are charming on the messenger ...?
I scrolled through for 20 minutes and began feeling bad about swiping 'no' to some of them.
Some of those guys might be nice enough people and I was judging them on an image, or whether they can sell themselves in a sentence?
I can’t even sell myself in a sentence.
And what was I judging them on - looks are one thing but they aren't the whole package. I love a good personality!
Was I swiping past someone who was actually a really top guy simply because of a photo? We have all met those really great guys in pubs who maybe on first sighting you might not take an interest in, but then they turned out to be bloody good people.
Also, what one Earth is with the whole more than one person at a time thing that happens with dating these days? I'm not sure how I feel about that ... It seems like people treat online dating like a grazing board!
Also reading some of the profiles - there are literally guys out there saying they WANT to treat women like a grazing board… and I definitely mean in the consuming sense … I’m pretty confident the guys with ‘I want someone to sit on my face’ or ‘I’m here for sex and I can be discrete and my wife won’t find out either’ as their opening sentence is the guy for me! …but I guess at least they’re being honest?? 🤷♀️
It worries me immensely that all the times I'm swiping left or right, someone is doing that to me. Judging me on all the things I'm judging them on.
It actually worries me sick that if I go through all of this, put myself on the line (pun intended) and then they meet me and think: Fuck she can talk (which is a response I've had a berzillion times in my life - it's never said in a positive way) and having invested my emotion into something I’m left devastated… I’ve had enough hurt to my heart I’m not sure it’s cut out for more…
And so - with all the scariness of it all, and after initially running away - I put it out there. And told the online dating world it would be nice to find someone who is willing to love a slightly damaged, emotional baggage laden, reasonably unfit me. Someone who is happy to have a wine and a laugh and good conversations and do stuff but also do nothing and accept I’m a pretty crap housekeeper (until someone is coming over) who will accept I swear like a trooper and will absolutely fiercely support children on the sides of sports fields cheering like a wild banshee …
Because while I was lamenting all of this to a friend, her husband piped up and said: Or… what if it works and you find someone?
Oh and let’s not even begin with the whole comparison to Pete thing if I DO find someone… people have already got really hung up about it and I haven’t even started dating!! But I’m not looking for another Pete … I had a Pete. I loved Pete. I still love Pete. Pete is dead. It’s not a competition.
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