Today is all sort of blergh… I’ve been trying to work out why.
Facebook memories tell me it’s a year to the day since we scattered Pete’s ashes in the Riverina and I looked at the photos and felt all the feels.
It might be that.
I looked at the photos and the videos created this time last year and thought: I was handling this whole circus so much better then. How, with the passage of time, is it even harder? It gives me a huge sense of failure. A feeling of despite having handled it so well then, that I’m not now. That I had climbed up so far only to have fallen back down.
It might be that.
Today the reality the last minute decision that we should go north these holidays and see some of our village chiefs who we miss so dearly since they left might not happen, kicked in.
It might be that.
Today I officially adulted and took the final steps in making financial decisions for my family’s future and I’m so bloody scared about whether I am making the right decision and no matter who I talk to, at the end of the day I have to do something, but I’m completely fucking petrified and it’s my responsibility.
It might be that.
It might be that it’s the end of school term and its holidays and the work/life juggle is awful.
It might be school reports coming home and reading them with pride and concern and care and love and ‘what on Earth … An E??’ but no one else on this Earth really having a buy-in to their contents.
It might be that I can’t seem to sleep properly. Even with the drugs!
It might be that I want to talk to everyone about how I’m feeling but don’t want to talk to anyone.
It might be that I’m so fucking sick and tired of all the changes that are out of my control happening - that I have zero capacity to be in control of when/how/what/where.
It might be that soon, it will be 2.5 years and I have read all the books and listened to all the podcasts and talked to all the people about grief it’s STILL so fucking hard.
It might be that last night I watched a movie Pete and I had watched so many times together and I literally had a trauma response watching it.
It might be that recently I lost a villager and, despite having many people in my village, everyone has their place and role and I need each of them for different reasons and, once again, I’m dealing with loss because I cannot fill that void with any other villager.
It might be that it’s the middle of winter and I simply have the winter blues - my GP and psychologist tell me it’s not depression. It’s just sadness. I have just had so much sadness to deal with.
It might be there’s been another full moon -
a visual reminder another month has passed.
It might be that I want to do things, but do nothing. Be busy, but not have anything to do .
Talk, but say nothing and cry.
It might be that the one person I need to help me with every single one of these things to be better or easier, is dead.
Or the specific people I need to help are interstate so I can’t travel to see them … and I live in a constant state of fear that I have worn out the villagers who are in close proximity and I’m actually just boring the bejesus out of all of them. (And I know they will say they aren’t. But I feel like I am …)
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