Round two of The Hard Things ...

All through last year I had a very large number of people tell me: you just have to get through the first year.

And I did.

And we survived.

And I wasn’t an alcoholic.

And I realised after the end of the first year, Pete’s much loved saying of ‘what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger...’ might actually be true.

So now we are up to round two of all the hard things... beginning today.

Today is our 15th wedding anniversary.

It’s and odd thing to celebrate - a wedding anniversary - without the person you married.

Last night things got hard.

Tired, emotional, stressed... hard.

It resulted in me yelling at the kids to ‘just go to bed when I ask you to the first time, for goodness freaking* sake ... why do I always have to yell at you all before you do anything I ask?...’

It was not my finest parenting moment. Neither was the vitriolic novel I purged out of my brain about it being my wedding anniversary and my completely irrational desire to write back to and hurt the people who hurt me so badly on the day before our wedding anniversary last year with an unsolicited letter of their hurt feelings.

I didn’t send it. For a number of reasons. Mostly because I know that words written or said in anger never end well.

But to end the day, I had a small boy in my bed with me. It was ‘his night’ in the bed. He knew things weren’t good emotionally, so he hugged me a lot and told me loved me.

He went to sleep telling me he would bring me a breakfast drink in the morning to make sure my anniversary started well.

I told him a coffee would be lovely.

He presented me with a breakfast in bed gin and tonic.

Negotiating today has been made challenging for a number of factors.

Not the least of which is that I cannot hug anyone. They cannot hug me. I cannot escape and have lunch out or dinner out (I am definitely ordering both of those IN).

But I have wine. Actually, I have REALLY good wine - a bottle that almost replicates the bottle Pete purchased for my 21st while declaring it was going on the bridal table - that might just need to be cracked and enjoyed alone (annoyingly) rather than with the friends it should be.

And I have the fruits of my marriage to Pete in the four amazing pieces of us that are trying so hard to wrap their heads around what was their new normal and the massive changes to that.

And with all of what everyone is going through, the massive upheavals to all of our lives and the world, today I can sit in the sun (as I am now) and be thankful for what I do have.

And know: what I’ve lost is the also a big part of the reason for what I have here now, even without him, is so amazing.

Because not just on our wedding anniversary (on this day I just think back to how much fun we had and what a freaking good party is was!) but every day, I miss having a husband, but also I can’t help but think I’m pretty bloody lucky to have had what I did.

Happy Anniversary, Pete.

Love you.

* I did not say ‘freaking’...