Why do I insist on walking up mountains?

I walked up a volcano recently.

Facebook memories told me that it had been a year since I’d last walked up a mountain.

Almost on the same day last year I bitched and whinged to my co-walking fellows about how much I didn’t want to get to the top while getting to the top.

So for a number of reasons this year, I did the same - but most of the bitching and whingeing was internal because my co-walkers charged up the bloody hill like it was nothing ... how do kids do that??

It was like there was the angel and devil on my shoulders bantering between ‘keep going get to the top, think of the achievement!’ and ‘for fuck’s sake what are you doing?? This is such a stupid idea!’

My brain really has too much internal dialogue sometimes.

At one point as my legs quite simply refused to keep plodding up the incline I was on, I really did ponder why I was having such an issue with it.

I couldn’t work out why it was so hard - I can run around a hockey pitch for an hour, mostly competitively, and I did a 6km rowing machine session in the shed during the week… and yet I couldn’t walk up what Google Maps told me was a 400m track.

It was absolutely an equation I couldn’t work out at about the 300m mark.

I kept telling myself that the top would be worth it, it was a physical mountain I could conquer. Something tangible I could say I had done when so much of the things I overcome are invisible, emotional ones.

But then I have people telling me that me getting through every day or what I have dealt with, is a mountain on its own - so why the bloody hell am I punishing myself EXTRA by walking up an actual mountain?

Which lead to thinking about being in the outdoors and the benefits of nature and fresh air and escaping the confines of our house.

Which in turn lead back to lamenting just how exhausted I am just doing what I have to do with the current coronavirus restrictions, and why isn’t that enough? It’s not like I have some innate NEED to walk up a hill when I am so tired and exhausted already. So why AM I walking up a hill except that other people say it will be good for me, I need to be fitter to handle stuff better, the air will do me good ... and apparently, despite being an adult, I am incapable of not acting on well meaning advice despite it not necessarily fitting my personal circumstances.

Also, I am from the flatlands - no hills or trees to spoil the view - so mountain waking presents a unique challenge for my calves which I am sure never quite developed properly for having one foot higher than the other.

But I understand that getting to the top and doing that exercise and seeing the view is all something that I should be grateful for and enjoy and see the benefits of etc etc etc etc etc

So that brought my brain around to ‘what DO I enjoy? If you’re not enjoying this, what ARE you doing that you enjoy?’

Seriously, this is the rubbish my brain contemplates … constantly switching between: ‘One foot in front of the other’ and ‘Good God you’re unfit, how did you let that happen?’ ‘Wow this really is a nice place to BE in’ ‘why am I punishing myself MORE it’s not enough to do what you do, why isn’t that enough??’

So having walked up the volcano, and pondered all these things, I’m not entirely sure I have worked ANY of it out.

My 2 hrs of covid-approved outdoor exercise allowed me to get up a physical hill and show me that despite all the negativity in my brain I can do it. But it also reiterated that I also really have ZERO idea of what I need to do for me and my own self to make it all easier ... better.

I spend so much time ensuring everyone else has something, I don’t know what mine is. But also, what everyone else who I care for needs is constantly changing. Or being influenced by factors outside of our control - but that have real and sometimes devastating impacts on them, which I then need to assist with. How on Earth do I serious

And for every person who says that keeping the kids afloat emotionally, getting food on the table, and keeping some form of normalcy in our lives is absolutely more than enough for one person to handle; I have other people saying I need to cast that aside … or that I need to do that AND find a way to put myself first… do exercise, practice mindfulness and find a way for ME to be ok/better.

So like everything I have dealt with, I have such conflicting information being given to me from very reliable and loved and respected sources, I have to fight to work out what the ‘right’ answer is for me.

I think people genuinely forget (not deliberately) that there is all this shit in the world going on, but there is the overlay grief to all of it in our house. Still.

Remote schooling is shit but it's mostly working for most of the kids, we juggle our way through the difficult bits ... but for some it isn't. Schooling in a coravirus -impacted world when you're in a pivotal year like Year 6, meaning you aren't getting so many of the benefits of being the big kids and leaders of the school is so challenging to manage. That is something I can handle because all parents are.

But then there's things like learning the pulmonary system in science which leads to discussions on how their Dad died and many many tears.

We can have amazing days and fun activities and I can have children who are blissfully happy at being able to basically run up a volcano, but get into bed and contemplate the day of the week and cry hysterically.

Still.